The Day My Parents Tried To Poison Me

by chris cunningham

I was handed this box of soda by my parents who were more than happy to part with it and eager to see me drink them. Whenever someone wants to feed you something AND watch, avoid that at all costs! They also got it from someone else. So now this box of soda has traveled probably a 100 or so miles. Maybe more by the time I hand this devil juice off to someone else.

So Jones Soda is a slightly edgy soda company from Canada who is pushing the limits of soda flavors. I got the box home and it’s basically a Christmas dinner in liquid form. A vomitous, vile, urine tinted Christmas dinner. Tonight with dinner I thought I’d do a side by side taste test to see which one tasted least like the floor around a urinal. I’m just guessing at the last statement but you just kinda just know what that might taste like if you were to slip and fall and land face first with your tongue out. And to be fair to each entree, I took a swig of water between each soda to dilute the poison.

The Playas…
Turkey & Gravy Soda: Hmmm… smells nasty coming up to the nose. Ack, tastes like… well grass, and then gravy and I do detect a little bubbly meat flavor. The after taste is strong, really strong, like drinking musk cologne. I’m predicting right now this won’t win.

Sweet Potato Soda: Ok, not too bad. But then again it’s competition is the six worst drinks ever concocted. Slight sweet taste going in, nasty butt after taste. I don’t even like sweet potatos and now even more so.

Pea Soda: Ooooofah. Pea soda. See right there? Not the little green ones. Ok, none of these so far taste like what they’re supposed to taste like. At least Jelly Bellies kinda get it right. This is AWFUL!!

Dinner Roll Soda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh My God!!! Somebody call the cops!! I only got one small swig down and even that kinda came back up. The consolation is that the cap said “Good news is on the way”. Let’s hope so! This is the soda for you if you need to pull off that epic spit-take.

Antacid Flavored Soda: Wait, what? Something’s different about this one. It says it’s Antacid “flavored”, the others just boldly claim they are Turkey & Gravy, or Pea. And, it’s, it’s, it’s kinda… ok. I mean, I hate it. But not as much hate as the other 4! Wow it’s so terrible and yet so much better at the same time!?

Far and away the winner was the Antacid Flavored Soda! It wasn’t even close, in fact the rest of the pack was still stuck back at the gate. It’s pink color would be the first hint. It’s different. It’s pink so it’s mentally not urine. Cotton candy urine maybe. And as the bottle cap said on the Antacid Flavored Soda… “Encourage tranquility if you are feeling agitated”. Indeed.

OK, you Canadians, very funny. You’re just drinkin’ beer and then peeing back into the bottles, slapping a label on them and sending them back across the border.

Anybody want this crap? Free shipping.